Perspective

Yesterday marked another year on this earth.

I have been overwhelmed by all the wonderful messages and birthday wishes. It is not easy to be the center of attention when you’ve spent your life trying to be invisible.

Blowing a Fuse

Yesterday, I blew a fuse…

It hasn’t been easy and snarky people have not helped.

In the last few weeks, I have been bombarded by loss, by cancer… by grief. I have tried to keep smiling, being positive and trying to make people happy, but I have reached a point where the positive and happy juices have stopped flowing. All I see is doom… an endless pit of despair. A black hole that is sucking everything in and I don’t see a way out…

The 3 “B”s – Busy, Bucket list and Bug

It has been almost 8 months since my last post. And it has been an interesting 8 months. I have slowly increased my working hours, but with the added hours my symptoms came back with a vengeance, and the trips to the doctor’s office also increased.

2016…

Its 2016 and people have made resolutions…

Year after year, I would make my unrealistic and unattainable resolutions, hoping that it would be the year where it will all come true. Yet the year will pass and I would not even had accomplished 1/10^th of what I had set out to do… and then disappointment would set in and the year would be over… we move on and make the same resolutions for the coming year… I would say: “This time… I think it would be the year” … But…

And that is why, this year, I did not make any resolutions. I have decided that this year I will go with the flow and do as I feel, with no restrictions and no unattainable goals. I have spent so many years within the confines of a little box, created by myself and sometimes by society that I want to feel the freedom of not feeling guilty or restricted by what others might think or say.

So let’s see where I am headed… a few weeks ago, I was talking with my family about my blog. I could continue talking about Erman the Hermit Squatter, but the subject would get redundant and boring… He is still there and will never leave, that is a fact so we move on… radiation will happen, it is just a matter of when:  6 months or in a year .  There is no point in dwelling on things you cannot change, they will happen and you have no control over them, so keep going… You see, Erman is not my life, my life does not revolve around my tumor; it revolves around my family, my kids, my career, my friends, my activities, my adventures, etc… so the amount of time I give my tumor is almost non-existent. The amount of time I give to life… is 99.99999%. So going back to my talk with the famiglia… we were throwing different subjects and of course laughing at their silliness, then my oldest said something that made me crack up and I said: “I should write about how to survive a pre-teen/teen”… and she replied: “and I would write about how to survive my parents as a teen”… we laughed, but then I realized that it could be a great way to get her to open up and let her feelings flow… so we agreed that I would write about surviving a pre-teen/teen and in turn, she would write about surviving her parents and if she was consistent, I would post her writing on my blog… what I wasn’t expecting was that she would go right into it and an hour later I would have an entry…. I have not yet read it, but I will keep my word and post it…

So what does 2016 hold? Abundance of possibilities, adventures, drama, laughs, hugs, kisses, love and of course how to survive life 🙂

2016 bring it on!!!

 

A Christmas Gift

Today, is a cold cloudy day. It’s on days like today that people tend to get more depressed. The lack of light from the sun seems to affect the mood of almost everyone. But for me, it is a day when I can wrap myself in a blanket, sit on the sofa with a nice hot tea and read to my heart’s content.

A few weeks ago, I decided to take a break from writing… actually, I decided to take a break from everything. I needed to reassess my life and the possibility of a second surgery and what it would entail for my family and me. I was so overwhelmed with everything that nothing mattered anymore.

TEDx Talks

I love it when technology has a mind of its own and doesn’t let me do what I want…

No matter here is a link to another one of my favourite blogs, I hope you enjoy following it as much as I do 😘

Source: TEDx Talks

WordPress Family Award

WordPress Family Award

I have been extremely blessed!!! I have been nominated for the WordPress Family Award a few weeks ago. I have been nominated by Robin Gilbert Luftig from http://robinluftig.com blog. It was a shock and I am honored to accept this award! Thank you, Robin for nominating me!

How to Accept to Award?

1. Copy and display the award logo on your blog.
2. Link back to the person who nominated you.
3. Nominate 10-15 others you see as having an impact on your WordPress experience.
4. Let your “fellow blogging family members” know you have awarded them.
5. That’s it. Simple. Then, pick 10-15 people who have taken you as a friend, and spread the love.

My Nominees

1. http://rontreal.com/
2. http://archangeloracle.com/
3. http://thepennywisemama.com/
4. http://keiralennox.com/
5. http://yaydecor.com/
6. http://design-vox.com/
7. https://pageturnerblog.wordpress.com/
8. http://modexlusive.com/
9. https://misfortuneofknowing.wordpress.com/
10. http://braintumorlife.com/

Thank you everyone

Lots of love and Blessings!

 

My first anniversary

I cannot believe how time has passed so fast… Today, November 26, marks the one year anniversary of when a large part of Erman was removed.

One year!!!

I had told myself a while ago that if I made it, I would celebrate my first year by going all out… well it hasn’t work that way. In total honesty, I completely forgot. It is hubby that reminded me by posting a little blurb on Facebook… I have been so tired lately, that today I slept through all the hustle and bustle of the morning rush in our home, and I only woke up at 11am.

I wanted to do many things, like clean the house, go to the gym or for a walk. I was going to do some errands, and a list of other things… instead, I decided to just take it easy, do nothing and think about nothing… so I disconnected from social media and from everyone and just crossed-stitch my way to relaxation.

Even though, I didn’t remember of my year anniversary, I think my subconscious did. I had flashbacks of my post-surgery and my long and painful recuperation.

I remembered the relief in the nurse’s voice when I finally woke-up 365 days ago… I remembered all the pocking and probing, the constant injections, the doctor’s visits and the constant monitoring at the hospital… I remembered my first ride back home and how excruciatingly painful it was… I remembered how it took days for my son to finally come into my room and give me a hug without the fear of hurting me… I remembered all those evenings of eating in my room by myself while my family was having supper downstairs, and how I wished with all my might that I was able to join them and enjoy their voices and laughs… I remembered when I was finally able and brave enough to go downstairs and joined them for supper, my wonderful family had to walk on egg shells to make sure they didn’t indispose me or hurt me… I remembered, how hard it was to sit down, eat and be part of the discussion; I couldn’t hear, I couldn’t chew or swallow, I couldn’t feel my surrounding and I couldn’t see, if there was too much noise I would get massive headaches, it all was overwhelming… I remembered staring at the white cover forest outside my window and the white ceiling in my room, unable to go outside… I remembered people’s reaction… I remembered how low my immune system was and how painful it was to get sick… I remember how hard I had to work at pretending everything was ok when my world was crumbling and breaking into tiny pieces… I remembered how hard I had to work to be semi-normal… I remembered all the pain I caused my loved ones… I remembered how much power and strength I had to put on my daily activities… I remembered my wonderful companion, PTSD, and how it is not fun… And then I noticed, how I was remembering all the hard, painful and sad parts of my recuperation… and that is why, last night while having supper, I broke down and it hit me… I don’t know if I will be able to go through it all again, I don’t know if I will be able to bear the suffering I would be putting my loved ones through…

Today, I celebrate my one year since my surgery and today, I cry and wonder if I have the strength, courage and willpower to go through another one…

I am staying positive and playing reverse psychology with the universe… but there is that little piece in my soul that is petrified of the future…

A New Twist…

I wrote this post a while ago, but it has taken me a long time to post this entry…

I am a pretty positive person. I like to see the positive in everyone and in every situation. But lately, it seems that the universe is testing this ability and throwing me back into the abyss.

When I wrote my last post, I was pretty Zen; I had made peace with my trials and tribulations. I had gone on a fantastic vacation, I had written a chapter in a book that is being published in December, I was a speaker at an event, I had slowly graduated from my different therapists, I was surrounded by my wonderful family and great friends, Oh! Yeah! I was finally going back to work. The derailed train was finally getting back on track.

A night to remember

I have been so busy, that I have not made the time to update my blog. My adventures have not lessened, they have just slowed down.

I have decided that I will no longer write my adventures in chronological order. From now on, I will publish these entries based on my disposition.

A while ago, I decided to try things out, not make excuses and just do what makes me happy. I do not want to face life with regrets any longer. So, I take every opportunity I have to get out my comfort zone and say “why not.” If things work out, great, if they don’t, at least I tried.